"Our home is on fire. Great. I threw all my schoolbags in!" Is it the child's nature to gloat?

Original title: "Our home is on fire. Great, I threw all my schoolbags in!" Is it the child's nature to gloat?

Author: sea

yidianling0This article is written by: Yidianling0

The little nephew is 4 years old, and he always likes to tease his mother when he is fine.

Drop the rice grains on the table while eating, and watch his mother giggle while packing;

He deliberately splashed his mother while taking a bath. His mother was so angry that he wanted to pump him, but he smiled like a flower.

Every time I go to my cousin's house, I have to witness a "chicken flying dog jump" less than half an hour.

The point is that he does this not only to his mother, but to everyone who can't help him against him.

The little girl in the neighbor's house cried when she saw him, the teacher in the kindergarten would sue the parents, and even the grandparents of the little nephew couldn't help but want to "repair the boy's temperament".

Everyone was worried about their children's potentially annoying character when they grew up, but they have been helpless.

They don't know what to do or what exactly made them raise a "bear child."



Maybe I did n’t realize it was a “catastrophe”

孩子有哪些对成年人而言残忍的表现? There is a question about knowing: What are the cruel performances of children to adults?

One of them said:

鸽子的半身已经砸烂了,肠子拖在外面。 "I saw two children, with a rope tied around the neck of the pigeon. The two children gloated around the pigeon a few times in the air, and then fell to the ground fiercely. It was the kind that used the power to hit the ground. His body had been smashed and his intestines dragged out.

The two children were already in a state of excitement, shouting and laughing. "

The maliciousness from children is the most frightening, not only because they are undisguised, but also because they are too pure, so pure that they do not realize it is "malicious" at all.

I have seen a news that a fire broke out in a shop in Mianyang, Sichuan, without any casualties.

“我们家着火了,太好了,我把书包都甩进去了! A bear child in front of the shop said: "Our house is on fire. Great, I threw all my schoolbags in! "

He wasn't unaware that it was their own home that was burned, but it was a disaster compared to the home he could not perceive. What he could perceive was that leaving "reading" would make He is happy.

Gloat is to some extent equivalent to narcissistic gratification + lack of empathy .

The so-called narcissistic gratification refers to the child's need for appreciation, affirmation, and response through the respect and satisfaction of the parents. When these needs are met, the child will feel confident and energetic, otherwise it will always be in a naive state.

When parents can respond to their children in an empathic way, this can alleviate the child's pain, and when the child feels the love of his parents, he will have more power to explore the outside world.

And children who are not satisfied with narcissism do not feel love and value from their original parents, so there is no way to have corresponding empathy for other people and things.

Children who only feel interesting about what they do to the pigeons do not feel the pain suffered by the pigeons.

Children who are happy because they have reason to not do their homework do not feel the emotional changes that their family has made because they lost their home.

They are not "gloat", but for them, it is a disaster that they cannot feel and understand.



May be expecting a response

I was particularly impressed by a pair of mother and son I met on the subway once.

It was a morning rush, and most people were quiet under drowsiness and congestion.

I was holding my handrail and closing my eyes, and was suddenly startled by a scream.

“你给我安静一点,不知道现在在外面吗? As soon as I was about to turn my head to look for the source of the sound, I heard someone say, "You give me a little quiet, don't you know that you're outside now? "

It turned out that it was a child who didn't know why he suddenly yelled and was stopped by his mother.

I thought this was the end of it, but for the next half an hour or so.

From time to time, the little boy makes a strange scream and is stubbornly stopped by his mother.

Every time the child was stopped "violently", the little boy always agreed with a smile, but started to make strange sounds shortly after.

He seemed to be interested in his mother's "shame to anger" response, so he repeatedly tried to get his attention, and then "pleased" when his mother was shamed.

Or maybe he made an unusual move from the beginning, just to get a positive response from his mother.

He hoped that his mother would respond to what he did, but he did not expect that even if he tried again and again, his mother was just stopping him from doing wrong, but he didn't try to ask a sentence: you do this For what.

A study by psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs found that when children often don't get positive "encouragement," they choose the wrong way to seek attention.

The more children who are denied, the more they love pranks.

When a child is negated much since he was a child, he will desperately want to be affirmed, but the child does not understand the method, so often he will do some wrong pranks and troublesome behaviors to seek affirmation.

In many cases, the child is not mischievous or disobedient, but when he is obedient, you cannot hear what he is talking about.



Could it be the result of "imitation learning"?

“幸灾乐祸”是人的天性吗? There is a question on knowing: Is "happiness" a human nature?

逗乐一个三岁孩子百分百有效方法是在他面前摔一跤。 The brief introduction is: A 100% effective way to amused a three-year-old child is to fall in front of him.

Some people think that it is a signal that human nature will "gloat", but it is not necessarily true. When a person suddenly makes a strange behavior in front of a child, the child will find it fresh and interesting.

My grandfather, the way he loves his children is always smiling and creaking his stomach with his head, and the way to make his granddaughter happy is always holding them up and swinging around high.

Psychologist Heidet believes that when we see others doing good deeds or become beneficiaries of good deeds, we will have a tight throat, a hot chest, and want to help others or make ourselves better.

Similarly, when we see others doing “interesting” things, we inevitably want to imitate them subconsciously.

What really makes children happy is a novel experience.

Everything they haven't touched will make them feel fun and even make them imitate unconsciously.

Personality problems developed by children are often learned from the way people around them deal with problems as a child.

My cousin has always been a "owed" person. I have not been "ridiculed" by him since I was a kid.

During puberty and the third year of high school, how much pressure and pressure to eat, increasing weight and acne all over his face became his "handle" for laughing at me.

When he met me once, he always joked about me once, either because he laughed at me "getting fat again", or at the joke "how to get married after getting so many acne".

After getting married and having children, his cousin's personality has not changed much.

No matter who you are with, you can get along with "teasing".

The children of the neighbors not only hid the 4-year-old nephew far away, but also always looked away from him when they saw their cousin.

Not to mention the cousin, who grew up under his cousin's "drug poison", although he can still return a few words on his back, but always converges in front of the little nephew and does not want to teach bad children.

Under the influence of such "educational methods", the young nephew has also become more and more inadequate.


Regardless of whether the pain of the pigeons is a happy child, or the misfire in the home is a fun, unusual behavior in exchange for the mother's attention.

They are accustomed to "happiness", not because they are "malicious", "inhuman", "not saved".

But in the process of getting along with adults, I haven't learned how to release love, how to get a positive response, and how to understand the pain of others.

First learned how to "gloat."

“每种性格缺陷都是由儿童早期经手的某种错误对待造成的。 Educator Montessori said: "Every personality defect is caused by some kind of mistreatment in early childhood. "

The little nephew who "learned" around his cousin over the years, not only learned how his cousin treated the cousin and the little girl in the neighbor's house, but also used this "method" to "integrate" with others in the school.

He did not know that this way of treating others would cause discomfort to the other party, and he could not understand the feelings of others. He just thought that this was a normal way of communication.

After realizing this, the boyish cousin, in order to give the young nephew a good lead, now has a little more respect and a little less fun at the cousin at home.

In the treatment of the little girl of the neighbor's house, a little more pretend to be mature and stable, a little less unscrupulous and frivolous to hide.

The young nephew watched his father's change inexplicable, but it seemed to be slowly changing, and began to learn to get along with his mother and the neighbor's younger sister in a way that could be given positive feedback.

Educator Sun Yunxiao said:

"The essence of family education is to change parents, and the key to this change is to consciously and voluntarily grow up with children. "

Children learn how to get along with the world in their relationships with their parents.

In the same way, parents will reflect on this process. What kind of ways can they teach their children to get along with the world, and also teach themselves.

Source: YDLdianzan, Psychology, focuses on personal psychological growth, accompanies you to become a better self, and loves you warmly and powerfully. Original title: "If you want to make a child laugh, you just wrestle in front of him: Is it natural to be happy?" 》 Reprinting has been authorized. Image source: Internet

Edit: Shaofei Liu Back to Sohu, see more


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